The doors that cover U.S. nuclear missle silos weigh 748 tons. It takes them 19 seconds to open completly.
Makes you want to shit in your pants and hide in there.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Rest in peace you flea bitten ass clown
I know I'm a few days behind on this but I couldn't just pass up a chance to remind people how much I hate monkeys. Travis the chimp is dead. I know, I know, chimps aren't monkeys, but it's my blog so deal with it. He's dead, so there is one fewer pestilential lower primates left on this planet for me to hate.
The best part of his death is the fact that he proved me right. Monkeys are vicious, ugly, and far too smart for their (or our) own good. Before Travis was shot to death (HA!) by police he mauled a woman. Doctors said that her wounds were not life threatening, but were "certainly life altering". From what I've been able to gather, Travis bit off at least one of her fingers, and ripped the flesh from her jaw. A few websites reported that he had ripped off both of her hands and her lower jaw bone, but these sites would not be considered to be reputable (like this one).
Travis's owner, Sandra Herold, said that just minutes before the attack she had given the beast a dose of Xanax in order to calm him down because he was being rowdy. Probably throwing shit around the room, filthy bastard. Ms. Herold later denied that she gave the furry bugger the Xanax. She probably feared being held liable for the hairy bastard's attack on her friend Charla Nash. As a side note let me assure you, the best way to lose me as a friend is to get a pet monkey.
To Ms. Herold's credit she did stab Travis after he started to attack her friend. Apparently, the big brute pulled the knife out of himself and continued to mangle Ms. Nash. Maybe Ms. Herold mixed up Travis's Xanax with PCP, for he clearly wasn't feeling any pain.
By the way, if you think of chimps as cute and cuddly Travis was 200 pounds. You can see a picture of the barbarous bastard here.
The best part of his death is the fact that he proved me right. Monkeys are vicious, ugly, and far too smart for their (or our) own good. Before Travis was shot to death (HA!) by police he mauled a woman. Doctors said that her wounds were not life threatening, but were "certainly life altering". From what I've been able to gather, Travis bit off at least one of her fingers, and ripped the flesh from her jaw. A few websites reported that he had ripped off both of her hands and her lower jaw bone, but these sites would not be considered to be reputable (like this one).
Travis's owner, Sandra Herold, said that just minutes before the attack she had given the beast a dose of Xanax in order to calm him down because he was being rowdy. Probably throwing shit around the room, filthy bastard. Ms. Herold later denied that she gave the furry bugger the Xanax. She probably feared being held liable for the hairy bastard's attack on her friend Charla Nash. As a side note let me assure you, the best way to lose me as a friend is to get a pet monkey.
To Ms. Herold's credit she did stab Travis after he started to attack her friend. Apparently, the big brute pulled the knife out of himself and continued to mangle Ms. Nash. Maybe Ms. Herold mixed up Travis's Xanax with PCP, for he clearly wasn't feeling any pain.
By the way, if you think of chimps as cute and cuddly Travis was 200 pounds. You can see a picture of the barbarous bastard here.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Putting things in perspective Part 4
A baby Blue Whale can gain up to 9 pounds an hour.
I've actually seen people at work do that...
I've actually seen people at work do that...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Weird
This is the most surreal thing I've seen in a while. And I've been working backshift for a few days, everything seems surreal.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
No more music
You may have noticed I removed the music player from the page. I've never been too happy with it. Music may return at some point, but not today. I'm too tired and lazy.
Christian Bale Potty Mouth Remix
Someone made a pretty catchy tune out of Christian Bale's ballistic rant. Probably won't make the top 40 though.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Putting things in perspective Part 3
The size of a blue whale's penis is about 8 feet. That's about 3 feet shorter than a Toyota Yaris.
I guess the saying should be once you go blue you never go back.
I guess the saying should be once you go blue you never go back.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
In honour of Valentine's day
Paul Simon famously said "there must be fifty ways to leave your lover". Here are a few of them.
- Tell them their sister/brother/mother/father was better, or better yet, all four of them
- Take them out for a romantic moonlit walk in the park, and disappear into the bushes
- Take them to the most expensive restaurant in town and slip out the bathroom window
- Greet them every morning with "Are you still here? When is this bad acid gonna wear off?"
- Tell them you have gonorhea and have no intention of seeing a doctor.
- Find the most repugnant people you can, and invite them over for threesomes. Repeatedly.
- Dirty Sanchez them at every available opportunity. Family dinners are an especially opportune, if logistically difficult, time to do this.
- Refer to them as The Jizz Jar or the Penis Life Support System in front of their parents and co-workers
- Photoshop them having sex with someone. Then "anonymously" e-mail it to yourself and start a huge fight.
- Have them commited against their will. Bonus: I hear you get $50 when you commit someone.
- Call the police and tell them "This crazy person is in my house and won't leave! You've got to help."
- Change the locks while they're at work and get a friend of yours thay haven't met to answer the door when they get home.
- Go on vacation with them. Before you get to the airport, fill their lugage with boxcutters, nail clippers, and scissors. When it's discovered scream "Is this what you've been planning all along!" and run away screaming.
- Tel them that dating them is against your religion. When they say they don't understand say "No, you don't.", then make the sign of the cross, take three big steps backwards, turn around, and refuse to speak. After several minutes just fall to your knees and start praying for forgiveness. If you can do it in latin it would be much more effective.
- Cleveland Steamer
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I never thought I'd say this but, lay off Michael Phelps!
Enough! This has officially gone too far. The authorities are now arresting people that happened to be at the party that Michael Phelps allegedly smoked a bong at. Apparently, the idea is to arrest someone, ostensibly a friend or acquaintence, and shake them down until they admit that they saw Mr. Phelps actually smoking pot.
Police have so far arrested 8 people who were at the party in question, charging them with possession of a small amout of marijuana. Sherriff Leon Lott, the man in charge of his particular debacle, sent 12 armed police officers, with weapons drawn I might add, to serve the search warrants to find these illicit substances.
These 8 people were clearly not drug dealers. Any minor amount of detective work would have told the police that. So why such a large show of force. Could it be that this hillbilly Sherriff wants to get his face on TV? Or maybe he really thinks that someone smoking a little dope is actually a threat to the public. Well, allow me to clue him in. The only thing that a dope smoker threatens is the nations supply of cheetos.
Now all of the personal opinions aside (for now), does Sherriff Lott really think he could make any charges stick to Mr. Phelps. Let's see what the prosecution has. A photo of Mr. Phelps holding a bong to his mouth, and maybe someones word that they saw him smoking dope. I'm pretty sure a first year law student could beat this charge.
"Uh, Your Honour, that wasn't pot in the bong, it was tobacco. It doesn't matter what Witness X says was in there, because it's his word against my client's."
"Hmm" Judge scratches his head. "Hmm" Takes a drink of water. "Well, case dismissed then"
The whole damn thing is a fucking charade (I'm back to personal opinions in case you hadn't guessed). Not to mention a waste of money and man power. If Sherriff Lott wants to do something about drugs he should go after the dealers and suppliers. This is why I think it's either a power trip, or an ego trip. "Hey Ma, lookit! I'm on the pic-a-ture box! Hya Hee HEE!"
Michael Phelps isn't helping himself either. He has said he had "bad and stupid judgement, and it's something I'll always live with". Lighten up you dolt (and get a better grip on the english language)! You (allegedly) smoked some dope. Get over it. Stop beating yourself up over it. Beat yourself up for the drinking and driving you were previously charged with. Remember you shithead, you've won more gold medals than anyone in history. Who cares if you smoked a bowl?
Of the last two Presidents of the united States, one admited to smoking dope. The other admitted to using cocaine. The cocaine user started a war causing the death of thousands of Americans (not to mention Iraqis). The pot smoker got a blow job.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
ABC News coverage of Phelps-gate:
http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/index.php?rn=222561&cl=12006987&ch=224106
Police have so far arrested 8 people who were at the party in question, charging them with possession of a small amout of marijuana. Sherriff Leon Lott, the man in charge of his particular debacle, sent 12 armed police officers, with weapons drawn I might add, to serve the search warrants to find these illicit substances.
These 8 people were clearly not drug dealers. Any minor amount of detective work would have told the police that. So why such a large show of force. Could it be that this hillbilly Sherriff wants to get his face on TV? Or maybe he really thinks that someone smoking a little dope is actually a threat to the public. Well, allow me to clue him in. The only thing that a dope smoker threatens is the nations supply of cheetos.
Now all of the personal opinions aside (for now), does Sherriff Lott really think he could make any charges stick to Mr. Phelps. Let's see what the prosecution has. A photo of Mr. Phelps holding a bong to his mouth, and maybe someones word that they saw him smoking dope. I'm pretty sure a first year law student could beat this charge.
"Uh, Your Honour, that wasn't pot in the bong, it was tobacco. It doesn't matter what Witness X says was in there, because it's his word against my client's."
"Hmm" Judge scratches his head. "Hmm" Takes a drink of water. "Well, case dismissed then"
The whole damn thing is a fucking charade (I'm back to personal opinions in case you hadn't guessed). Not to mention a waste of money and man power. If Sherriff Lott wants to do something about drugs he should go after the dealers and suppliers. This is why I think it's either a power trip, or an ego trip. "Hey Ma, lookit! I'm on the pic-a-ture box! Hya Hee HEE!"
Michael Phelps isn't helping himself either. He has said he had "bad and stupid judgement, and it's something I'll always live with". Lighten up you dolt (and get a better grip on the english language)! You (allegedly) smoked some dope. Get over it. Stop beating yourself up over it. Beat yourself up for the drinking and driving you were previously charged with. Remember you shithead, you've won more gold medals than anyone in history. Who cares if you smoked a bowl?
Of the last two Presidents of the united States, one admited to smoking dope. The other admitted to using cocaine. The cocaine user started a war causing the death of thousands of Americans (not to mention Iraqis). The pot smoker got a blow job.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
ABC News coverage of Phelps-gate:
http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/index.php?rn=222561&cl=12006987&ch=224106
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Sucker Punch
Why does the sucker punch get a bad name? If somebody wants to fight you, shouldn't you assume that they want to do you some fairly serious harm? Why not punch them when their not ready? Or when they're not even looking!
Seriously though, if some douchebag in a bar wants to grind my face into the floor I sure as hell am going to punch this guy as hard as I can while he's distracted by some half dressed bar skank that he's trying to impress. And if he does happen to fall down after that first punch, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna kick 'im! Hard. I'm going to make sure he doesn't want to get back up.
"That's not a fair fight" people will say. Fuck that! If you want a fair fight, get in a ring. Otherwise, sucker punch, kick 'im while he's down, gouge his eyes, knee to his balls. That's how to win a fight. Fair fight? Who cares?
Seriously though, if some douchebag in a bar wants to grind my face into the floor I sure as hell am going to punch this guy as hard as I can while he's distracted by some half dressed bar skank that he's trying to impress. And if he does happen to fall down after that first punch, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna kick 'im! Hard. I'm going to make sure he doesn't want to get back up.
"That's not a fair fight" people will say. Fuck that! If you want a fair fight, get in a ring. Otherwise, sucker punch, kick 'im while he's down, gouge his eyes, knee to his balls. That's how to win a fight. Fair fight? Who cares?
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sometimes I wonder...
What's the difference between spunk and pluck?
If you rub two redheads together really fast will they catch fire?
What do you win if you come in first in the arms race?
Would Jesus lend me money?
How many times in a day do I say "Fuck"?
How many times in a day do I gratuitously say "Fuck"?
Why do superheroes feel the need to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants?
If a tree falls in the forest does Ed Begley Jr. wake up screaming?
Why did the number of cases of skin cancer rise after the invention of sunscreen?
Why didn't Charlie Brown just kick Lucy instead?
How long before ebonics is spoken at the U.N.?
How many ham and cheese Hot Stuffs could I eat in one sitting?
If you rub two redheads together really fast will they catch fire?
What do you win if you come in first in the arms race?
Would Jesus lend me money?
How many times in a day do I say "Fuck"?
How many times in a day do I gratuitously say "Fuck"?
Why do superheroes feel the need to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants?
If a tree falls in the forest does Ed Begley Jr. wake up screaming?
Why did the number of cases of skin cancer rise after the invention of sunscreen?
Why didn't Charlie Brown just kick Lucy instead?
How long before ebonics is spoken at the U.N.?
How many ham and cheese Hot Stuffs could I eat in one sitting?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Ask not for whom the bong tolls...
Recently a photo has been published of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps taking a hit off a bong. This apparently is front page news. Well, here's my 2 cents. WHO FUCKING CARES? Now pay attention because this will probably be the only time I'l ever defend this douchebag. The guy trains 32 hours a day. If you think that's impossible then you've probably never used a bong, but I digress. He was on a break from training, and was trying to relax. So let him. This was not a federal offense. He got high, big fuckin' deal. He wasn't high when he won every gold medal at the fuckin' olympics (including downhill skiing and the equestrian events somehow), so get over it.
"But he's supposed to be a role model!" people say. No, he's not. He's a swimmer, and a damn good one. That's why he was all over my fucking television all summer long, so much so that I wanted to kick all of his snaggle teeth out of his goofy grin. If you want a role model for your kids, look to yourself. Athletes do not make good role models. They've proved that time and time again.
Besides, even if I agreed that he should be a role model he gave up that right when he was caught for drinking and driving at the age of 19. Given that he's an American, that also means that he was underage. All that seems to have been forgoten because the Americans tend to think that alcohol is basically harmless and pot is the root of all that is unholy.
At any rate if you're interested in seeing the picture of Mr. Phelps smokin' the chronic check out this link:http://gawker.com/5143692/merman-michael-phelps-caught-smoking-bong
"But he's supposed to be a role model!" people say. No, he's not. He's a swimmer, and a damn good one. That's why he was all over my fucking television all summer long, so much so that I wanted to kick all of his snaggle teeth out of his goofy grin. If you want a role model for your kids, look to yourself. Athletes do not make good role models. They've proved that time and time again.
Besides, even if I agreed that he should be a role model he gave up that right when he was caught for drinking and driving at the age of 19. Given that he's an American, that also means that he was underage. All that seems to have been forgoten because the Americans tend to think that alcohol is basically harmless and pot is the root of all that is unholy.
At any rate if you're interested in seeing the picture of Mr. Phelps smokin' the chronic check out this link:http://gawker.com/5143692/merman-michael-phelps-caught-smoking-bong
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The weather
Let me tell you, snow sucks. And freezing rain sucks. Snow on top of freezing rain sucks hairy balls.
Fuck I hate winter.
Fuck I hate winter.
Christian Bale has a bit of a potty mouth
This apparently took place on the set of Terminator: Salvation. Mr. Bale was upset because someone walked behind his co-star Bryce Dallas Howard during a scene, and it made him lose focus. Uh bitch, Batman never loses focus.
Listen to his tirade: http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3
Listen to his tirade: http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3
Monday, February 2, 2009
I'll admit I was wrong. Sort of...
Alright, so Grant Morrison didn't kill Batman. Well, he did, but he brought him back the next month. Lame! What's lamer though, is that I actually fell for one of the oldest bait and switches in comics, dead hero turns out to miraculously survive.
This doesn't change my opinion of Mr. Morrison's writing though. He's still a hack, maybe more so than I thought. Not only did he turn Batman into a gun using (wannabe) killer, now he's been brought back from the dead.
Ugh. Hack.
This doesn't change my opinion of Mr. Morrison's writing though. He's still a hack, maybe more so than I thought. Not only did he turn Batman into a gun using (wannabe) killer, now he's been brought back from the dead.
Ugh. Hack.
The Dentist
Why, exactly, do people always say they love the "just from the dentist feeling"? Do these people enjoy being in pain?
I just got back from seeing the sadist, sorry, dentist. I feel like I've been kicked in the jaw, and like someone's been poking around at my gums with sharp metal instruments. Oh, wait...
To make matters worse though, Regis and Kelly was on in the background, AND as if that wasn't bad enough their guest was Teri Hatcher. Why that withered old beast still has a career I'll never understand.
You know, the only good thing about going to the dentist is when the hygenist pushes her boobs into the top of my head. And that didn't even happen this time.
All in all, not my favorite passtime.
I just got back from seeing the sadist, sorry, dentist. I feel like I've been kicked in the jaw, and like someone's been poking around at my gums with sharp metal instruments. Oh, wait...
To make matters worse though, Regis and Kelly was on in the background, AND as if that wasn't bad enough their guest was Teri Hatcher. Why that withered old beast still has a career I'll never understand.
You know, the only good thing about going to the dentist is when the hygenist pushes her boobs into the top of my head. And that didn't even happen this time.
All in all, not my favorite passtime.
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