I would totally eat there!

Air bag meets bag

This might be one of the funniest pranks I've ever seen. On top of it all it looks like it hurt too!

He's dead let's move on

Michael Jackson is dead. Big deal. So he finally caught up to his career, good for him. Actually, I'm not entirely sure he wasn't already dead. If you were to take what he looked like as a zombie in the Thriller video and compare it to what he looked like shortly before he died, it's eerily similar.

Anyway, he's dead and buried. Let's move on with our lives, I no longer want to see footage of Neverland, his kids, his funeral, his casket, his monkey, his family, his friends, his videos etc...

Can we please turn on the television without seeing him? I realize many people are ridiculously upset (although I really don't know why, they didn't actually know him, perhaps they forgot he was a kiddie diddler - oops, my mistake alleged kiddie diddler), but can't they mourn in private. Take your sobbing asses back inside your own fucking houses and get off my TV!

Seriously, when Billy Mays died it barely registered a footnote on the news, and he contributed more to pop culture over the last 10 years than Jackson did (other than dangling his kids off balconies and looking progressively weirder on an almost monthly basis).

The long and the short of it is that he was a celebrity (for whatever reason), 99.99% of the population didn't actually know him. Mourn him in private. Break out your Off The Wall album, listen to it over and over again until you realize there are more important things to worry about.

Your web based psychoanalist

ELIZA was a program written in the 1960s by Joeseph Weizenbaum. Basically, it uses an old shrink's trick of rephrasing your question into a new question so you can figure out your problems on your own (but ELIZA doesn't charge you $200 an hour to do it). It doesn't really do much of anything except annoy you after about 5 questions, but it's kind of fun to try to argue with it.

Try it out here.

Increasing readership

I've recently added this blog to condron.us. It's basically a collection of blogs. Since I did this 2 days ago I've had hits from California, England and Malaysia. None of them actually stayed to look at my blog, but they at least saw it.

International Olympic Day. Blah!

So apparently today is International Olympic Day. Who fuckin' cares? The Olympics are a waste of time and money. Why does it matter which country has the best atheletes?

The millions of dollars spent every couple years on the Olympic stadiums, parks, pools, whorehouses, and fast food restaurants could and should be spent on countries and cities infrastructure. How many homeless shelters could be built with that money? How many lasting jobs could be created? How many roads repaved?

The Olympics are nationalism run rampant. It's an opportunity for countries to drop their pants and show the world how big their dick is without blowing anything up. Of course America usually does both, but that's something to discuss another time.

One more thing, why do I have to watch commercials for the Olympics for 2 years prior to the actual event? We all know they're coming! It's not like we're going to be able to avoid them when they get here. They're everyfuckingwhere! You can't turn on the TV or read a newspaper without seeing them. So give us a break and quit it with 2 years worth of commercial run up.

Perez Hilton assaulted! Good!

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton was alledgedly assaulted at the Much Music Video Awards. He claims he was punched by The Black Eyed Peas tour manager Polo Molina after posting several unflattering blogs about the Black Eyed Peas in general, and lead singer Fergie in particular.

Waaahh! Suck it up Perez you bitch. When you negatively blog about someone you run the risk of pissing them off. When you piss someone off you run the risk of getting punched in the face. It's pretty simple math really: You being a bitch+Posting your bitchiness online=You getting punched in the face.

Of course, now I run the risk of getting bitch slapped by Perez Hilton. And being swarmed by angry monkeys for previous blog posts.

Knife Wielding Monkey Terrorizes Calgary

Another monkey related incident has futher strenghtened my argument that all lower primates should be eliminated from the face of the planet.

This time an armed and dangerous lowland gorilla threatened thousands of innocent men, women and children across downtown Calgary. Apparently, said gorilla was waving a knife around, demanding banana daiquiris and the release of his "fellow simian revolutionaries". He then threw several handfuls of grass in the air, ate six grubs and fell asleep. Can you imagine what would have happened if he had decided to hold up a liquor store? A drunken knife wielding ape carousing around Calgary in a stolen 1979 Trans-Am!

Well alright, that's not exactly what happened. The gorilla in question did in fact have a knife, but he was still locked in his paddock (where he can safely be mocked by his erect standing cousins). The knife was accidentally left behind by a zookeeper after general maintenance. The gorilla picked up the knife and held it threateningly towards another gorilla before putting it down on a chair and wandering away.

Clearly this "zookeeper" is a monkey sympathizer and needs to be held accountable for his treasonous actions. I think a few months in Guantanamo Bay would do him some good. A little "enhanced interrogation" should let us in on the plans of those furry bastards! Let's get George Bush and Dick Cheney on the case!

Read the news article here.

My cake! MYCAKE!!!

My best friend acts the same way whenever someone even mentions cake.

Holy flurking schnit! This looks sooo cool!

Why weren't the movies this cool?

More Star Wars: The Old Republic News & Previews

You'll think twice about Kermit the frog now

Travis the chimp was on drugs!!!

So, as it turns out, Sandra Herold (the Chimp's owner) had, in fact, given the hairy bastard Xanax in order to calm him down. Worked out pretty well I'd say.



Just to recap, Sandra Herold called her friend Charla Nash to help her get Travis back in the house. When Charla showed up Travis attacked her. Ms. Herold stabbed the furry virus factory twice with a kitchen knife to no effect. She then called the police. The attack lasted for 12 minutes ending only when police officers shot the knuckle dragging bastard after he tried to open a police cruiser door. Ms. Nash's injuries included the loss of both hands, her nose, her eyelids, and her lips, she also lost her sight. Ms. Nash's family is suing Sandra Herold for $50 million.



Check out the news article here, or check this blogs archives for more on Travis.

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Recently one of this blogs followers (thanks TRomp) sent me a link about counter-terrorism, politics and the like. I gave it a quick once over, and the article that struck me was one about an anti-radical Islam demostration in New York.

Something about this seemed to stick in my mind. Something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it for a couple of days. Then it dawned on me while I was in the shower (where I was had nothing to do with my revelation, but now you're thinking about me in the shower. Boo Yah!). These people were demonstrating against someone else's belief system.

Let's get one thing straight before we move on. I do not condone terrorism, beheadings, killing innocents, and being a general international douchebag.

However, there are segments of Islam (Taliban, Islamic Jihad, Hamas, and others) that believe there are in fact Six Pillars of Islam, as opposed to the more mainstream belief of Five Pillars.

The Five Pillars are said to be Profession of Faith, Prayers, Giving of Alms, Fasting during Ramadan, and Pilgrammage to Mecca. The Sixth Pillar is said to be Jihad.

Jihad is an external struggle against the enemies of Islam.

This sounds familiar. Where have I heard something like this before? Hmmm, it happened in the same area...Oh right! The Crusades! Kill the infidels and all that.

But, that was almost a thousand years ago. Hmm, is there anything a little more recent? How about the Spanish Inquisition? That lasted from 1478 until 1834. Killing and burning their way around Europe. "Are you Catholic? No?!? Burn !!".

I'm sure if I gave this a little more thought I could come up with a dozen more examples. Not just with catholics, but probably every religion has a few skeletons in their respective closets.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone", people the world over would do well to heed this particular biblical passage. Including Radical Islamists.

GEEKGASM!!!

The new trailer for the Batman: Arkham Asylum game made me do something obscene in my pants!

Batman: Arkham Asylum at IGN.com

Does this seem like a bad idea to anyone else?

So, I've recently noticed noticed a couple of strange science freaks in the news lately.



The first is glowing dogs. Apparently, some freaky South Korean scientists have cloned dogs that glow a fluorescent red. Okay, kinda cool. A lot creepy. Basically, they are normal looking beagles that glow red under ultraviolet light. They probably could have saved a lot of time and money if they had just sent normal dogs to a North Korean nuclear power plant. Bigity bam, cheap glowing dogs! Read a news article about the scintillating schnauzers here.



The second is a crossbreed of a sheep and a pig. Aptly named a sheeppig. Not too imaginative if I may say. Why in the hell would anyone even want to do this. It's not like they crossbred two cute animals to create some sort of uber-cute kitten/baby seal/unicorn creature. No, they picked what are probably the two ugliest farm animals and came up with this. Gahh! What a vile looking beast. The only way it could have been worse would have been a monkey and a cow. Or Oprah and Dr. Phil...



Seriously, this sort of thing can only lead to bad things happening, like cross species viruses (you think swine flu is bad, wait for sheeppig flu), or glowing puppy turds.



Actually, glowing puppy turds may not be such a bad thing, you wouldn't accidentally step on them in the dark.

Japanese Spider-Man theme from the 70's

One question, what the hell is with the giant robot at the end?

Douchebag of the week

I do the same thing when people start reciting the Lord's prayer

A few ways to amuse yourself

1. Introduce yourself to people as Dr. Indiana Jones. Refuse to be drawn into a conversation about the name or acknowledge the movies at all.
2. At night annouce you see the Bat signal. Then disappear into the darkness. Return later, sweaty and with torn clothes.
3. When you're on an elevator with at least one other person, grab your stomach, let out a low, long groan and say "Ugh, this is gonna be messy".
4. When you're talking to someone, don't look them in the eyes. Instead, stare at a point about an inch above their left eyebrow.
5. Stand on the side of the road with a sign that reads "Will eat cake for food".
6. Go to church. Every time they begin to sing a hymn you start singing Uptown Girl at the top of your lungs.
7. Join a choir. Ask them if they know any Slayer.
8. Ask people if they want to see your tail.
9. Refer to people in wheelchairs as hippies.
10. Wear a black suit. Go to the airport, stand where the limo drivers hold signs with their fares names on them. Stand with them with a sign that reads "Anti-Christ".
11. Go to a pet store and ask the employees how much it would cost to ride the kittens.
12. Also at a pet store ask the employees "How many kittens do you have?", wait for an answer, then ask "How many do you think I'd need for a fur coat?".

Have fun!!

I have nightmares like this

L.A. to New York in four minutes

Ladies, pay attention to this public service announcement

Father of the year

A few more people who piss me off

People with rotten teeth - Especially when they also have bad breath. There are few things on the planet that are more disgusting that than staring at brown and boken teeth while someone is talking to you, spraying their awful breath that smells like a billy goats ass in your face. Go brush your fucking teeth, there is no excuse for this.

People who piss and shit on public toilet seats - This is for both men and women. I used to have to clean bathrooms as part of my job, and the women's was always more disgusting than the men's. If you ladies would just plunk your prissy ass down on the seat there would be no reason to squat and hover over it! Everybody's excretions would go where they are supposed to. If you're that worried about it put some toilet paper on the seat. Men, you lift the seat at home (presumably), do it here.

Teenage boys driving Honda Civics - I don't even know why they piss me off so much. Usually they have there hat on backwards, so that doesn't help matters. Also, 9 times out of 10 I hear them before I see them, either from their stereo or their exhaust. Neither option endears them to me.

People who park in handicapped spots - Fuck you. I hope someday you actually need to use one of these spots. If I see you parked there I WILL spit on your car. Shit head.

People who constantly interrupt me - Do you really think what you have to say is more important than what I'm saying? At least let me finish my fucking sentence! Then you can tell me you think I'm dull and that you are clearly more interesting. That way I'll have a concrete reason for pouring sand in your gas tank.

Just watch it

Big news from the Junos

Nickleback still sucks. It doesn't matter how many times they actually win a Juno, they are the shits. I wouldn't cross the street to take a shit on Chad Kroeger's head. Well, actually I probably would, but that's neither here nor there. When are people going to wake up and realize this band has no redeeming qualities at all. Wait, that's not entirely true. They're not Maroon 5.

Personal heroes and others I admire

Usually I rant and rave about whatever comes to mind. Today I'm just going to go over a few people I admire.

Stephen Hawking - The most brilliant man to ever live. He has changed the face of the universe from a wheelchair. A brilliant man who has been trapped inside of his own head for 30 years. What's not to admire?

Albert Einstein - The second most brilliant man to ever live. Without him we wouldn't have half of the convieniences we have today.

Dennis Miller - A man that can combine intelligence and humor. How many other comedians do you know who can reference Caligula and Red Adair?

George Carlin - He is most responsible for my sense of humor. If you don't like it blame him, he's dead so he won't care. Ridiculous, thought provoking, and fearless.

Michael Crichton - My favoite thriller writer. Untill recently he was the only thriller writer I would read. His books are researched to death and are addictive page turners.

Douglas Adams - My favorite writer, bar none. Whether it is The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a Dirk Gently novel, or an article on animal conservation he is flat out amazing. His wit and intelligence shine through in all of his works.

Monty Python's Flying Circus - Combining the absurd with intelligence changed my life.

Johnny Knoxville - I know he doesn't really fit in this list, but come on, the guy is indestructable. Why wouldn't he be on my list?

Douchebag of the week Mar. 13 2009

This week I'm naming a person I work with Douchebag of the week. Since I actually know him I won't actually use his name, I'll just refer to him as Half-wit.

Half-wit actually had the nerve to refer to himself as a hero today. My work has recently started a program recognizing employees who go above and beyond outside of work in order to make the community a better place (it's really just a way to deflect that they are planning massive layoffs soon, but whatever). Half-wit actually asked people to nominate him because he plays a lot of softball "in the community". How the hell does that make the community any better? Seriously!?

When everyone declined to nominate him, he then said (and this is a direct quote, I was actually there when he said it), "That's okay. I am a hero in the eyes of the Lord. I am God's great hero". What. The. Fuck?

I didn't realize god was such a big fan of minor league softball.

DOUCHEBAG!

Love the one you're with?

Haven't posted for a while, so watch an angry cat

Monkeys be damned!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Disappointed on so many levels.

Today one of my co-workers was looking for something witty to put in a note for the next shift. Since it had been a pretty crappy day for the both of us I suggested with a satisfied grin "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here".

My co-worker just looked at me, with a look that left no doubt in my mind that he had not one clue as to what I was refering. So, thinking that my chosen quote may have been somewhat obscure I said "It's from Dante". More staring blankly. "Dante Aligheri," I forged on, feeling he just needed a prod in the right direction, "He wrote Inferno, part of the Divine Comedy." I was losing him, "He wrote in the early 14th century, and the really interesting thing about him is that he wrote in the vernacular Italian instead of the more traditional latin..." I trailed off. He continued to gaze rather blankly at me for a few seconds and then said "You must read a lot".

After this particular encounter I just kind of shook my head at the type of people who have never even heard of Dante. I couldn't even fathom. I began to wonder what this poor soul's life must be like, bereft of literate stimulation. Then something occured to me. Something a little shocking, I must say. He's spent his life learning things that are actually useful. He could rebuild a carburetor, or replace his brake lines, or actually make something that won't fall apart. Given time I could probably tell you how to do all these things, but he can actually do them.

Now I don't know who I should be shaking my head at.

Douchebag of the week Feb. 28, 2009

I've decided to add a new aspect to my blog. Douchebag of the week. The douchebag in question could be famous or infamous. They could be well known, or a nobody. It all depends on if they really get my hackles up.

So, I'm sure you're dying to know who I name as my very first (published) Douchebag of the week. Well, wait no longer.

Nova Scotia Premier Rodney MacDonald, I name thee DOUCHEBAG!

"Why him? Why now?" you say.

"Why not" I say!

He spends NS taxpayers money faster than a frat boy at a strip club. He's commisioning books celebrating 250 years of democracy at a cost of $30,000. "Well, gee, that's not too bad" you say. Well, he's only getting six actual copies for the $30,000! SIX!! And only ONE of those will actually reside in Nova Scotia. The rest of the leather bound, gold gilted (gold, actual gold) tomes will be off to the Library of Congress, and Library of Parliament, among other such austere locations.

That's just what got my attention though. That alone would not have gotten him the Douchbag of the week. No, now he's done something worse. Something unforgivable. Now he's giving $1.5 million to the cash strapped 2010 Vancouver Olympics. He's supporting amateur sport! Outside of his own province!! I don't give a shit if it's still in our country. The olympics are an anachronysm. They should be done away with. Who the fuck cares where the world's fastest man or woman comes from.

At least Nova Scotia taxpayers are getting something worthwhile for their investment. Four VIP tickets to the olympics for the Premier and his favorite cronies.

Shouldn't that money have been spent in province in order to prop up our faltering economy? Throw some money at the food banks, homeless shelters, universities, women's and children's shelters, education, health care, the list goes on and on and on.

If Vancouver can't afford to pay for the olympics, then they shouldn't have applied for the opportunity to host them. Fuck 'em!

At any rate, Rodney (what kind of name is that for a Premier anyway) you, sir, are a (deep breath everyone)...

DOUCHEBAG!!!

Putting things in perspective Part 5

The doors that cover U.S. nuclear missle silos weigh 748 tons. It takes them 19 seconds to open completly.

Makes you want to shit in your pants and hide in there.

He deserved it

Rest in peace you flea bitten ass clown

I know I'm a few days behind on this but I couldn't just pass up a chance to remind people how much I hate monkeys. Travis the chimp is dead. I know, I know, chimps aren't monkeys, but it's my blog so deal with it. He's dead, so there is one fewer pestilential lower primates left on this planet for me to hate.

The best part of his death is the fact that he proved me right. Monkeys are vicious, ugly, and far too smart for their (or our) own good. Before Travis was shot to death (HA!) by police he mauled a woman. Doctors said that her wounds were not life threatening, but were "certainly life altering". From what I've been able to gather, Travis bit off at least one of her fingers, and ripped the flesh from her jaw. A few websites reported that he had ripped off both of her hands and her lower jaw bone, but these sites would not be considered to be reputable (like this one).

Travis's owner, Sandra Herold, said that just minutes before the attack she had given the beast a dose of Xanax in order to calm him down because he was being rowdy. Probably throwing shit around the room, filthy bastard. Ms. Herold later denied that she gave the furry bugger the Xanax. She probably feared being held liable for the hairy bastard's attack on her friend Charla Nash. As a side note let me assure you, the best way to lose me as a friend is to get a pet monkey.

To Ms. Herold's credit she did stab Travis after he started to attack her friend. Apparently, the big brute pulled the knife out of himself and continued to mangle Ms. Nash. Maybe Ms. Herold mixed up Travis's Xanax with PCP, for he clearly wasn't feeling any pain.

By the way, if you think of chimps as cute and cuddly Travis was 200 pounds. You can see a picture of the barbarous bastard here.

Putting things in perspective Part 4

A baby Blue Whale can gain up to 9 pounds an hour.

I've actually seen people at work do that...

The spread of something insidious

Weird

This is the most surreal thing I've seen in a while. And I've been working backshift for a few days, everything seems surreal.

No more music

You may have noticed I removed the music player from the page. I've never been too happy with it. Music may return at some point, but not today. I'm too tired and lazy.

Christian Bale Potty Mouth Remix

Someone made a pretty catchy tune out of Christian Bale's ballistic rant. Probably won't make the top 40 though.

Putting things in perspective Part 3

The size of a blue whale's penis is about 8 feet. That's about 3 feet shorter than a Toyota Yaris.

I guess the saying should be once you go blue you never go back.

In honour of Valentine's day

Paul Simon famously said "there must be fifty ways to leave your lover". Here are a few of them.

• Tell them their sister/brother/mother/father was better, or better yet, all four of them
• Take them out for a romantic moonlit walk in the park, and disappear into the bushes
• Take them to the most expensive restaurant in town and slip out the bathroom window
• Greet them every morning with "Are you still here? When is this bad acid gonna wear off?"
• Tell them you have gonorhea and have no intention of seeing a doctor.
• Find the most repugnant people you can, and invite them over for threesomes. Repeatedly.
• Dirty Sanchez them at every available opportunity. Family dinners are an especially opportune, if logistically difficult, time to do this.
• Refer to them as The Jizz Jar or the Penis Life Support System in front of their parents and co-workers
• Photoshop them having sex with someone. Then "anonymously" e-mail it to yourself and start a huge fight.
• Have them commited against their will. Bonus: I hear you get $50 when you commit someone.
• Call the police and tell them "This crazy person is in my house and won't leave! You've got to help."
• Change the locks while they're at work and get a friend of yours thay haven't met to answer the door when they get home.
• Go on vacation with them. Before you get to the airport, fill their lugage with boxcutters, nail clippers, and scissors. When it's discovered scream "Is this what you've been planning all along!" and run away screaming.
• Tel them that dating them is against your religion. When they say they don't understand say "No, you don't.", then make the sign of the cross, take three big steps backwards, turn around, and refuse to speak. After several minutes just fall to your knees and start praying for forgiveness. If you can do it in latin it would be much more effective.
• Cleveland Steamer

I never thought I'd say this but, lay off Michael Phelps!

Enough! This has officially gone too far. The authorities are now arresting people that happened to be at the party that Michael Phelps allegedly smoked a bong at. Apparently, the idea is to arrest someone, ostensibly a friend or acquaintence, and shake them down until they admit that they saw Mr. Phelps actually smoking pot.

Police have so far arrested 8 people who were at the party in question, charging them with possession of a small amout of marijuana. Sherriff Leon Lott, the man in charge of his particular debacle, sent 12 armed police officers, with weapons drawn I might add, to serve the search warrants to find these illicit substances.

These 8 people were clearly not drug dealers. Any minor amount of detective work would have told the police that. So why such a large show of force. Could it be that this hillbilly Sherriff wants to get his face on TV? Or maybe he really thinks that someone smoking a little dope is actually a threat to the public. Well, allow me to clue him in. The only thing that a dope smoker threatens is the nations supply of cheetos.

Now all of the personal opinions aside (for now), does Sherriff Lott really think he could make any charges stick to Mr. Phelps. Let's see what the prosecution has. A photo of Mr. Phelps holding a bong to his mouth, and maybe someones word that they saw him smoking dope. I'm pretty sure a first year law student could beat this charge.

"Uh, Your Honour, that wasn't pot in the bong, it was tobacco. It doesn't matter what Witness X says was in there, because it's his word against my client's."

"Hmm" Judge scratches his head. "Hmm" Takes a drink of water. "Well, case dismissed then"

The whole damn thing is a fucking charade (I'm back to personal opinions in case you hadn't guessed). Not to mention a waste of money and man power. If Sherriff Lott wants to do something about drugs he should go after the dealers and suppliers. This is why I think it's either a power trip, or an ego trip. "Hey Ma, lookit! I'm on the pic-a-ture box! Hya Hee HEE!"

Michael Phelps isn't helping himself either. He has said he had "bad and stupid judgement, and it's something I'll always live with". Lighten up you dolt (and get a better grip on the english language)! You (allegedly) smoked some dope. Get over it. Stop beating yourself up over it. Beat yourself up for the drinking and driving you were previously charged with. Remember you shithead, you've won more gold medals than anyone in history. Who cares if you smoked a bowl?

Of the last two Presidents of the united States, one admited to smoking dope. The other admitted to using cocaine. The cocaine user started a war causing the death of thousands of Americans (not to mention Iraqis). The pot smoker got a blow job.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

ABC News coverage of Phelps-gate:
http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/index.php?rn=222561&cl=12006987&ch=224106

The Sucker Punch

Why does the sucker punch get a bad name? If somebody wants to fight you, shouldn't you assume that they want to do you some fairly serious harm? Why not punch them when their not ready? Or when they're not even looking!

Seriously though, if some douchebag in a bar wants to grind my face into the floor I sure as hell am going to punch this guy as hard as I can while he's distracted by some half dressed bar skank that he's trying to impress. And if he does happen to fall down after that first punch, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna kick 'im! Hard. I'm going to make sure he doesn't want to get back up.

"That's not a fair fight" people will say. Fuck that! If you want a fair fight, get in a ring. Otherwise, sucker punch, kick 'im while he's down, gouge his eyes, knee to his balls. That's how to win a fight. Fair fight? Who cares?

Sometimes I wonder...

What's the difference between spunk and pluck?

If you rub two redheads together really fast will they catch fire?

What do you win if you come in first in the arms race?

Would Jesus lend me money?

How many times in a day do I say "Fuck"?

How many times in a day do I gratuitously say "Fuck"?

Why do superheroes feel the need to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants?

If a tree falls in the forest does Ed Begley Jr. wake up screaming?

Why did the number of cases of skin cancer rise after the invention of sunscreen?

Why didn't Charlie Brown just kick Lucy instead?

How long before ebonics is spoken at the U.N.?

How many ham and cheese Hot Stuffs could I eat in one sitting?

Ask not for whom the bong tolls...

Recently a photo has been published of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps taking a hit off a bong. This apparently is front page news. Well, here's my 2 cents. WHO FUCKING CARES? Now pay attention because this will probably be the only time I'l ever defend this douchebag. The guy trains 32 hours a day. If you think that's impossible then you've probably never used a bong, but I digress. He was on a break from training, and was trying to relax. So let him. This was not a federal offense. He got high, big fuckin' deal. He wasn't high when he won every gold medal at the fuckin' olympics (including downhill skiing and the equestrian events somehow), so get over it.

"But he's supposed to be a role model!" people say. No, he's not. He's a swimmer, and a damn good one. That's why he was all over my fucking television all summer long, so much so that I wanted to kick all of his snaggle teeth out of his goofy grin. If you want a role model for your kids, look to yourself. Athletes do not make good role models. They've proved that time and time again.

Besides, even if I agreed that he should be a role model he gave up that right when he was caught for drinking and driving at the age of 19. Given that he's an American, that also means that he was underage. All that seems to have been forgoten because the Americans tend to think that alcohol is basically harmless and pot is the root of all that is unholy.

At any rate if you're interested in seeing the picture of Mr. Phelps smokin' the chronic check out this link:http://gawker.com/5143692/merman-michael-phelps-caught-smoking-bong

The weather

Let me tell you, snow sucks. And freezing rain sucks. Snow on top of freezing rain sucks hairy balls.

Fuck I hate winter.

Christian Bale has a bit of a potty mouth

This apparently took place on the set of Terminator: Salvation. Mr. Bale was upset because someone walked behind his co-star Bryce Dallas Howard during a scene, and it made him lose focus. Uh bitch, Batman never loses focus.

Listen to his tirade: http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3

I'll admit I was wrong. Sort of...

Alright, so Grant Morrison didn't kill Batman. Well, he did, but he brought him back the next month. Lame! What's lamer though, is that I actually fell for one of the oldest bait and switches in comics, dead hero turns out to miraculously survive.

This doesn't change my opinion of Mr. Morrison's writing though. He's still a hack, maybe more so than I thought. Not only did he turn Batman into a gun using (wannabe) killer, now he's been brought back from the dead.

Ugh. Hack.

Putting things in perspective Part 2

Female opossums can have up to 13 nipples.

You don't say...

The Dentist

Why, exactly, do people always say they love the "just from the dentist feeling"? Do these people enjoy being in pain?

I just got back from seeing the sadist, sorry, dentist. I feel like I've been kicked in the jaw, and like someone's been poking around at my gums with sharp metal instruments. Oh, wait...

To make matters worse though, Regis and Kelly was on in the background, AND as if that wasn't bad enough their guest was Teri Hatcher. Why that withered old beast still has a career I'll never understand.

You know, the only good thing about going to the dentist is when the hygenist pushes her boobs into the top of my head. And that didn't even happen this time.

All in all, not my favorite passtime.

Putting things in perspective Part 1

Elephants can shit up to 50 pounds per day.

Huh.

Backshift

Starting tonight I'm working the backshift this week. This is always a bad week. Never enough good sleep. Never enough of my family. Really, the only good things about the backshift are the fact that I get a ton of alone time when I get off work, and I end up with a slightly longer weekend than usual. Not really wnough to make me want to work all night long, but I guess them's the breaks.

Tim Horton's

You know, when you think about it Tim Horton's really licks a shaved monkey's ass. "But the coffee is so good!" Timmie's converts will say. Well, no, actually. It really isn't. A really good cup of coffee can almost bring tears to your eyes. Well, maybe not, but I'm trying to illustrate a point here. When you smell good coffee, your mouth should fill with saliva. Your stomach to quiver with anticipation. Your ulcers should stop bleeding. Not once has any of these things ever happened when I've walked into a Tim Horton's. What I usually smell when I walk into a Tim Horton's is the customers. The coffee is so weak you can barely smell it.

And poorly made? You betcha!
"What can I get for you today?"

"Well, I'd like a large double double!"

"Sure thing!" Employee wanders off to eventually make your coffee. "Here you go sir/ma'am! Have a nice day!"

Customer drinks his coffee, "Hmm, this coffee is kind of bitter, AND weak, how'd they do that?...", drinks some more, and then reaches the bottom of the cup only to find an inch of unstirred sugar. Mmmm!

By the way, the coversation above usually goes more like this
"Yes?"

"Um, I'd like a large double double please."

*Sigh * "Is that it?" Employee rolls their eyes.

"Yup"

"Dollar fifty five"

Minimum wage = minimum effort

Do you know why Tim Horton's is sucessful? Me neither, but I have a guess. They're pervasive. They're everyfuckingwhere. You can't get away from them. From my house you can chuck a poorly made doughnut and probably hit three different Tim's without throwing out your back.

Starbuck's has good coffee. Most independant coffee shops have good coffee. You can even make good (maybe even great) coffee in your own house.

Tim Horton's is really only good for one thing. Getting coffee when there is no other option.

Weapons of ass destruction

Two nights ago it was pizza. Last night, tacos.

Now my toilet thinks I hate it.

People who piss me off

This isn't about individuals. This isn't about races. This is about people who do things that annoy me.

• People that don't swing their arms when they walk. What the hell? They look like fucking robots. Idiotic robots at that. Who taught you people to walk? You're not Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. It's okay to swing your arms when you move.

• People that swing their arms too much when they walk. You're going to take someone's eye out. It's not a parade ground march, just calm down a little.

• Adults whose pants are too short. I get it when a kids pants are too short. They're growing at a ridiculous rate, sometimes it's hard to keep up. Adults don't grow. They stay the same height for a very long time. Why are your pants too fucking short?! Go buy a new pair! Or a used pair that fits! I really don't care which one. I just don't want to see your god damned tube socks any more.

• People that wear socks with sandals. I'm pretty sure the whole point of sandals is to be as close to bare footed as possible, without undue injury to the bottom of your foot. Take off the socks. You look like you wandered away from the group home. If you wear sandals with black socks you deserve to be beaten to death with a sock full of your own shit.

• Goths/Emos. I know full well that they are two different things/ groups/ whatever. I'm going to lump them together because I'm pretty sure it would piss any goths or emos off. Cheer up you dolts. The world isn't all bad. You don't have to be so fucking down all the fucking time. While you're at it try throwing a little colour into your wardrobe. Don't do anything drastic, just a splash of gray so i don't end up running your lame ass over in the middle of the night because you're drunk and in the middle of the road.

• People who drive too fast. Are you the police? No? Are you going to stop a fire? No? Is there someone who has promised to give you a week long screaming orgasm? No? THEN SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! I don't know how many times some fuckwad has blown by me on the highway and disappeared into the distance only to end up in front of me 20 minutes later on the offramp. Your not saving any time dipshit.

• People who drive too slow. You asshole! GET OUT OF THE WAY! If you're that concerned about the condition of the road on a bright summer day stay the FUCK home!

This can not be considered a comprehensive list by any means. In fact, I'm pretty sure I could do this for hours, but the new episode of Lost is starting soon so I'll just have to leave it at that for now.

Child care costs. WTF?

I'm laying in bed trying to sleep the other night when something occurs to me. I work almost expressly to send my two children to babysitters. To put it another way, I'm busting my ass daily in order to have the privilege of having someone else raise my kids. What the hell is that all about?

Fully 3/4 of my weekly salary goes toward paying someone else to look after my kids. Most of the rest of it goes towards our car payment. I make about $400 a week (fortunately, my wife makes a hell of a lot more than I do, or we'd be in serious financial shit), $300 of that goes to the babysitters, about $80 goes to the car, leaving $20 for various other bills.

If I were to quit my job, stay home with the girls, and get a part time job working nights we would be in a better finacial position. An $8.00/hr job for let's say 15 hours per week would give me $120 per week (less tax, I know). That would pay the car payment, a bit of the bills, and I could raise the kids myself.

I know raising and watching kids is not easy. I've done it. I actually used some of my wife's parental leave after out second child was born. But holy shit, it's not easy watching 75% of what you work for go to what is basically a stranger in order to raise your children.

The problem now becomes, do I quit my job, lose my seniority at work (it's a unionized factory), raise my kids myself while working a part-time job for the next 3 years, or do I grit my teeth and shell out the money every week?

Why in the fuck doesn't Canada have a universal child care system in place? It seems like a no brainer to me.

Grant Morrison is a hack.

For those of you who don't know, Grant Morrison is the heir apparent for the title of "World's Greatest Comic Book Writer". The vast majority of the comic book reading public (which I'll admit is a fairly small percentage of the general public) seem to regard him as some kind of wunderkind, a Faulkner for the four colour crowd if you will.

He is not.

Grant Morrison is in fact a terrible writer. His stories make little to no sense, take far too long to unfold, and generally make the reader want to claw out his or her own eyes rather than read one panel more.

Somehow, he has managed to weasel his way into the upper echelon of comic book writers alongside such greats as Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman. While Mr. Moore and Mr. Gaiman tend to write stories that force the readers to think, Mr. Morrison writes stories that cause the readers to think that they are reading something profound because they can't understand what the hell is happening. This is mostly because he does not understand pacing, nor does he understand that the books are coming out a month (at the very least in his case) apart. He seems to write as if the readers are going to read the entire series in one sitting. He's writing for the collected editions of the books. Good comic writers don't do that.

The truly unfortunate thing about all this? I've had to put up with his writing on a semi-monthly basis for about 2 years now. He's been the writer for the Batman comic since 2006. It's only been semi-monthly because for some reason he can't seem to get a comic out on time to save his life. Batman is a monthly title, Mr. Morrison. If you are going to commit to a monthly title, get it out monthly. Or step aside and let a professional do the job. When Judd Winick was writing for Batman I don't think the book ever missed a deadline. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

Mr. Morrison is also currently writing DC Comics crossover event entitled Final Crisis. This has been even worse (if it's possible) than his stint on Batman. The story is disjointed and poorly thought out. He's killed the Martian Manhunter in what has got to be one of the most poorly written hero's death's ever portrayed in comics, and now he has apparently killed Batman. Also poorly.

Spoiler Alert

In Batman's apparent final act of heroism, Grant Morrison turns his back on everything Batman has stood for over the 70 years he has been in constant publication. Mr. Morrison has turned Batman into a murderer. With a gun. Now I realize it was an extreme situation, Darkseid had taken over the world and enslaved much of the population, but Batman does not kill. I'll say it again. Batman does not kill. A writer who understands the character would have known that, and a writer who has been writing the character for close to 2 years should fucking well understand the character by now.

You will note that I am not the least bit pissed at the fact that he has killed Batman. Just the manner in which it was done. I can make my peace with a dead Batman. I don't like it, but I'll deal. Untill they bring him back. After all in comics only Bucky and Uncle Ben stay dead. Actually, now I guess it's only Uncle Ben.

So, I guess what I'm really trying to say is that Grant Morrison needs to retire as soon as possible. Otherwise people are going to realize that he is not the great writer that he has been trying to pass himself off as.

He's just a hack.